Frozen
by The Penumbra
Summary: There was nothing left now except a faint mark which would vanish with time. There was nothing left now, but a dim memory which would soon fade away, leaving nothing but an empty space... a short scenes from Cho Gonou's life. COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki, nor do I own the title 

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**                                                                                                           Frozen**

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_                                                                                                               by _

_                                                                                                            Konzen_

It was cold, so cold that his breath formed a white mist on the library window. It was so empty, so inviting that he could not resist the temptation of drawing on the glass. He lifted his hand slowly, and with his finger, he drew a circle. A face. He jabbed his finger in two places, leaving two dots on opposite sides. The eyes. He hesitated. 

Laughter floated up from the gardens outside, where the other children were playing in the snow, running after each other, screaming and yelling, like fools with nothing better to do, the boy thought contemptuously. And yet, he felt a sudden pang, as a faint memory stirred within… two children, a boy and his sister, the younger giggling madly as the girl tried to hit him with a snowball….

He drew a thin straight line on the lower part of the circle. The mouth. He paused, and looked at his creation. It was his face. Two eyes, completely devoid of emotion, and a mouth stretched into a thin line. His face was always completely expressionless. Why bother to tire your facial muscles, pulling them this way and that? He never smiled, nor did he laugh. These things were all meaningless. Life was not about feeling. Life was not about emotions. Life was only about thinking and acting. 

The nuns preached about thinking about others, but that was only idealism. _Such a huge word for such a small boy, he could hear them say. _He's far too old for his age_. But he knew he was right. He could think, unlike the other children. He had realized that life was only a question of survival; foolish ideas like loving and caring would only bring pain and sorrow, and ultimately death. He knew. He had proof._

He sat down and he took up the book he was reading, but the words kept dancing in front of his eyes. The boy could not concentrate; the sounds coming from the gardens kept interrupting him. He frowned. What could they find to be so happy about? He could not understand them; nor could they understand him. He knew that they hated and feared the strange boy who preferred to spend his days locked away in the library rather than play; he simply did not care. No words they used could hurt him, no insults, no gestures were powerful enough to make him break his icy exterior. He did not care enough, not even to despise them. And yet, deep inside, he envied them…

They thought this place was home, he thought angrily. That was stupid if nothing else was. Home was a place where you were happy, where you loved and were loved in return. The boy bit his lip. There was no longer a place which he could call home now. There was no one left whom he could love.

He closed his eyes. And they want us all to think about others, he thought fiercely, as he closed his book suddenly. How can they fool other people so? If his father hadn't gone out for firewood, he wouldn't have been attacked by demons. If his mother hadn't tried to protect him and his sister, she wouldn't have been murdered. And if his sister hadn't stood there to protect him while he ran away like a coward, they would have died together. 

The boy clenched his fists as he struggled with himself. He wanted to forget, he _had to forget. Leave a clean slate, forget your past. He knew what caring would bring him to, hadn't he had ample proof? He would not cry anymore, for it was all gone now. There was nothing left for him to cry about._

The boy lifted his eyes to see a pale face reflected in the glass, features frozen into an expressionless gaze, with cold eyes looking at him as he stared back. Slowly, he rose from his chair and walked to the window. He stood before the face he had drawn. He lifted his hand, and with a single stroke, he deliberately wiped it off. There was nothing left now except a faint mark which would vanish with time. There was nothing left now, but a dim memory which would soon fade away, leaving nothing but an empty space. 

Cho Gonou turned away and left the room.  

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Hope you liked this :) Any comments?


	2. Thawing by the Fire

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own Saiyuki!

Thanks to all those who read/reviewed _Men Don't Cry. Your comments were very encouraging! Also a big thanks to all those who reviewed, the previous chapter. I was going to leave this as a one shot-fic, but as Oscar Wilde was reputed to have said, "I can resist everything except temptation". The temptation of writing a three part fic was too great and I succumbed :)_

I remind you that these are very brief scenes from Cho Gonou's life. He should be about 17-18 in this fic, and he and Kanan have met before but have not yet moved in together. Enjoy!

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Part II

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She was standing by the window, green eyes staring pensively at the fields covered by a thick blanket of snow. He felt as though he were intruding on her and he cleared his throat to signal his presence. She turned, and he saw that she had a silk scarf wound round her neck; he felt absurdly happy, for it had been his gift.

He nodded to her as she smiled, and he walked to the fireplace bearing the logs he had brought from the shed. He felt strangely shy of her, and was conscious of how much things had changed between them and of how much _he_ had changed. 

"It's cold in here," she said softly, breaking the silence which had dominated most of her visit. "This house feels so empty…"

"I only moved in last week," he replied abruptly, cursing himself for being so sharp as he saw the look in her eyes. He had not meant to hurt her, but he barely knew what he was saying. Her visit to his new house had been a failure; the words he longed to say and the speech he'd rehearsed for so long seemed to stick in his throat and as a consequence he'd been edgy and irritable all day long. The young man turned his gaze away. He bent down and struck a match. It blazed for an instant, but died out before he could light up the fire. He tried again. Nothing. He tried a few times, but with no success, and he sighed with exasperation. He started as she placed her hand on his arm, for he had not felt his sister approaching. 

"Let me try." 

He surrendered the matches, and soon flames were dancing in the fireplace, slowly at first, but then taking courage and cackling away merrily, sharing light and warmth. His sister laughed, and it echoed round the empty room. "I win!" she said gleefully as she clapped her hands. The young man laughed too as they stood up, and pretended to be angry, but their playful mood evaporated quickly, and they fell silent again. The moment of intimacy had been brief; years of separation can rarely be recuperated in a few days.

They were conscious more than ever of each other's presence. The young man felt too tall as he stood in front of his older sister – his height only continued to remind him the time which had elapsed since they'd last joked or played together freely. He allowed his eyes to travel to her face, and dropped them immediately when they met hers. He felt so… so awkward, so incapable of letting her know how he felt… 

He yearned for the sister he remembered, a tomboy with roughish eyes and an easy smile, teasing and comforting by turns. And yet he did not want to lose this woman, this gentle stranger, whose eyes were softened by pain and sweetened by sorrow. 

"I'd better leave now, I suppose," she said quietly, as she half turned. He stopped her. He had to, no, he _needed to ask her.  _

"Come and live with me." His voice shook slightly, for he had never felt so nervous in his life. Forgotten were the speeches he had planned; only one thing mattered. "I can't bear to let you go," he continued as his green eyes flicked anxiously onto her face, half afraid that she would reject his offer, given so simply, so suddenly. He could wait no longer; the young man knew that it was not only brotherly love which made his heart ache every minute he spent away from her, which made him long to hold her tenderly to him… 

She smiled, eyes glistening with tears, as she nodded slowly. "I will," she said softly, as she looked at her brother, knowing that her words held a deeper meaning for both of them…

Each was aware of the other so close, knowing that what had been lost would not return, and yet knowing that there was a whole life in front of them to discover each other again, to hope together, to love…

He pulled her close to him and he brushed her forehead with his lips. Kanan rested her head on his chest as she hugged him tightly to her. "I missed you Gonou." She whispered, as he tightened his grasp, as though he would never let her go again.

"I missed you too," he said, almost inaudibly, delighting in the uniqueness of that sweet moment, wishing that it would never end. He knew now that life was precious; she'd given him a reason to live, to dream and hope. No longer would he curse those demons who had let him escape. No longer would he strive to keep himself away from those whom he might care for. He closed his eyes and inhaled the sweet scent of apple blossoms she wore, and the scent of innocence and love…

A sudden fear gripped his soul, and he was terrified that this happiness would not last forever, and that the loss this time would hurt even more… Then he felt the heat radiating from the fire, and the warmth of her body so close to his, and felt like a fool. They were together now and nothing mattered anymore. No evil could ever separate them again. This time, they would live together… or die together. Cho Gonou smiled serenely. 

At last, they were home.

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Last chapter will hopefully be up very soon. Thank you for reading! Will be glad to hear from you ^-^


	3. Returning to the Darkness

**Disclaimer:** Nope… Saiyuki _still_ isn't mine.

Still alive, still writing, or at least, desperately trying to find time to! At last I've come to the last chapter … Please read on :)

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**_Part III_**

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_God no… no…. Not again…_

He ran blindly down the well-trodden path scarcely knowing were he went, and caring even less. Blood pounded in his ears, and his eyes could see nothing but darkness, a final darkness from which there was no return.

_Kanan__, how could you have left me?_

She could have lived, she could have had the child and then he'd have killed it for her if that was what she'd wanted. He'd killed them all now, what would a single child have been to him? He didn't care what they'd done to her, he loved her, he loved her. But now she was gone, and he was left with nothing but memories, all darkened by the last one she had left him with. Oh God he loved her so much… 

Lightening flashed, lighting up the dark sky briefly, as he stumbled and fell on his knees. It started to rain.

_Silly! Oh come on, don't cry…the pain will soon go away!_

But not this pain, he answered to the voices in his mind. 

She would scold and comfort by turn when they were children, protective and caring… It had been his turn to protect her now, but where was he when she needed him most? He moaned as guilt tore at him, ravaging his soul, leaving him no respite, as the wind tore at the trees, snapping twigs and leaves… they were so fragile… so fragile… like her.

The man lifted his pale face towards the sky, as rain poured down, and red drops of blood and water trickled down his cheeks. The sky was weeping in his stead, for he could no longer cry… 

He wiped his face and looked at his bloodstained hands. Blood… blood… both his and that of the youkai… there wasn't really any difference, it was still blood, red, viscous, laden with guilt. His hands trembled as he stared at his hands with dread… the same hands which couldn't save Kanan… the same hands which had killed so mercilessly…

_Not my child, please… please spare my child!_

Why ? He'd asked the female demon reasonably. Death would claim her child anyway, so why not now? He laughed hoarsely. It was only postponing the inevitable. Death came to all, both men and youkai… There was nothing holy in death, nor was there anything profane. Death was just the absence of life, nothing more, nothing less. He remembered the look on their faces and their screams and laughed again, but the laugh turned into a dry sob. He was going mad, mad… he had murdered them one by one and he couldn't even feel sorry for it…

His fist dug into the ground, his nails clawing at the soil frantically as he swung back and forth moaning. He lost all his claims to sanity as soon as the knife slid between her ribs, robbing her of the life which was hers by right. Then he remembered nothing but a desperate urge to kill, to wipe all traces of those foul creatures off the face of the earth. Pity? He had used up all his pity for himself, he had none to spare for filth… 

He licked his chapped lips and felt the metallic taste of blood. He knew he was injured, but he felt nothing. His sensed were numbed… he could only feel a dull ache near his heart, an all too familiar ache which he knew would never go away…

_I can't Gonou. I'm tainted, tainted for ever…_

Tainted? Her? _Oh God…_ He had begged her to stop, to reconsider… But she too had lost her mind. She could understand nothing but the fact that she had been taken by one of _them_, and what was worse, she was carrying his child. He remembered her smile, so sweet, so loving, hiding the hard core, her unforgiving nature deep, deep inside. He shuddered when he thought of the coldness of her gaze, almost hidden by the tears in her eyes. Kanan had never forgiven them for what they had done to her family. To her all youkai were the same; there were no good or bad demons, they were all guilty. Her hatred for them surpassed any other emotion she had ever felt. There was no way she could keep on living, knowing that… knowing that….

_Gonou__…_

But Gonou was no more… he had died the moment her heart stopped. In his place was only an empty shell, a half-crazed being thirsting for revenge, even though he knew that nothing would ever bring her back, not even killing them all. But he felt no sorrow, no regret for what he had done. Every drop of humanity had spilled out of his heart as the blood seeped out of her body… 

He collapsed, landing with a soft thud on the moist ground. He could feel the last dredges of life leaving his enfeebled body. Death had been long in coming, but he felt sure that she would soon reach him, and drown him in sweet oblivion.  The man waited.

Suddenly a small glint of green caught his attention, and he shifted his head slightly.  A small shoot had managed to push its way through the dark soil, a single survivor in that wilderness. He reached out weakly and caressed it, half afraid that he would break the slender stem, so weak yet so strong. He smiled slightly. Strange that even where there he thought there could only be death, there was still some life…

Darkness enveloped his mind, and Cho Gonou lay unconscious on the ground as the rain pelted down on his still frame.

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O-O;; Blame school. Blame exams. But that's the way I think Cho Gonou must have felt… and being an author, I have the right to poetic license and a little imagination… 

Excuse the lateness of this chapter! Thank you to all previous reviewers, and hopefully any future ones. 

Sayonara my friends. Comments and constructive criticism as always, are appreciated. Thank you *_*


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